Pain In The A**

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WTF – I GOT THE ROIDS

So I thought all the icky stuff concerning pregnancy and childbirth was over until about 40 days after giving birth I got the roids! WTF I thought – who invented this? Haven’t I gone through enough already? (I know I focus on the positive and both my pregnancy and childbirth went so well that according to my ob-gyn I could have 50 babies, but still – I did suffer).

I was thinking what a pain in the ass…when I realized this must be where this phrase came from. A burning feeling up your butt – awesome. Not! I immediately did some research on the net and I found out that this is one of the most common problems of humanity and that many people suffer in silence because they are afraid to talk about it, God forbid show it to somebody. Well not me. After giving birth I’m not ashamed of anything anymore, I could walk around naked with no problem at all and I only wear clothes (when I go out) because of common decency I pretend to have.

HOW TO GET RID OF THE ROIDS:

Here’s the outcome of my internet research and friends+family wisdom (my ob-gyn just told me to use a cream and change my diet):

  • diet: eliminate coffee, alcohol, chocolate and introduce a lot of fruits, vegetables and fiber
  • ice: soak your butt in ice a few times a day for 15 minutes
  • cream: use over the counter cream and tuck the bastards back where they belong (into your a-hole)
  • kegels: do them, do them a lot
  • exercise: avoid prolonged standing or sitting (if you even can sit) and do moderate exercise
  • hygiene: wash your butt after every bathroom use (don’t wipe hard!)
  • toilet position: squat to take a crap (according to Dr. Mercola, people who squat in the toilet don’t get the roids!)

HOW LONG DID IT TAKE:

I suffered for 1 day not really doing much. The second day I did all of the above and the third day the pain was gone. Yey! Now I will keep doing the above in order to prevent any future pain in the a**.

You might also like:

Baby Birth Guide

Newborn Baby Sleep

Pacifiers 101

Breastfeeding 101

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Categories: Baby Manual

Author:Alinka Rutkowska

Alinka is a best-selling and award-winning Children's Author.

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