When I Think About Giving Birth I Feel… (Fill In The Dots)

Blessed. What a beautiful experience to bring a child to the world.


The mere thought of childbirth makes me feel nauseous. Oh God. Whenever I see a pregnant lady I think: “You have no idea what you’re up for! You’re going to have to squeeze a porcupine out of your ass!”

Then again, she might get an epidural and feel nothing.

I have  read and written plenty about childbirth while I was pregnant. Yet I have never actually posted anything abut my experience of giving birth. I did supply a funny pregnancy and birth story to “Bumptabulous” though. And that was supposed to be it.

Except for today, while going through my facebook news feed I came upon this question: “How long did your labor last?”. Mine lasted 8 hours + 1,5h but what I saw in the answers made me dizzy: 24 hous! 36 hours! 3 days! Jesus.

I spent hours, days and months preparing for giving birth and yet I was totally unprepared. I thought I would have this beautiful birth experience not feeling any pain, only joy. How could I have been so naive? Why did nobody tell me that giving birth feels like passing a watermelon through your hoohaa? It’s probably because whenever I spoke to other moms about the upcoming event, I would warn them – “No horror stories!”. So they didn’t tell me any.

Well now I know better and next time around instead of doing vaginal massages, breathing exercises, belly dancing, beautiful visualizations and recommended reading I will just hit my head with a hammer in preparation for the event.

For your amusement I attach a picture of myself while giving birth – taken by my husband with his cellphone. I wanted to kill him at the time but now I’m happy I’ve got it and might even make a video next time around ;)


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Categories: Childbirth, Humor

Author:Alinka Rutkowska

Alinka is a best-selling and award-winning Children's Author.


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